Psychotherapist urges mothers to accept grief in family changes

Psychotherapist Lesley Koeppel appeared on 93.1 WIBC on Sunday, October 25, to discuss the dynamics of in-law relationships during National Mother-in-Law Day. The date marks the 90th anniversary of the holiday, which originated in the 1930s.

Koeppel, the author of How to Be the “Perfect” Mother-in-Law: A Lighthearted Guide for Moms of Married Sons, noted that she was unaware of the holiday until beginning her research for the book. She attributed its creation to a newspaper publisher who likely sought to repair his relationship with his own mother-in-law. Koeppel stated that while the holiday is relatively new to her, the need for guidance in these family structures is longstanding.

The core of Koeppel’s advice centers on the emotional adjustment required when a son marries. She described the shift as a process of accepting that a mother is no longer the primary partner in her son’s life. This transition involves genuine grief, even when the marriage is happy. "Yes, you can be happy," Koeppel said, "but there’s also sadness about a time that is no longer."

Koeppel emphasized that strong bonds between mothers and daughters-in-law are built on respect rather than assumption. She advised mothers to ask their children what they want from the relationship instead of imposing their own expectations. She also warned against blurring boundaries, noting that direct communication is preferable to guessing.

When conflicts arise, Koeppel recommended avoiding a tactic she called triangulation. She explained that pulling a son into a disagreement with his wife creates a dynamic that complicates the issue. "Do not bring your son into that argument," she said. Instead, she suggested sitting down with the daughter-in-law to apologize for any rough starts and discuss improvements directly. "Think of a triangle. You don’t need that third point," she said. "Just be direct."

Koeppel acknowledged that mothers of sons may face a steeper emotional curve than mothers of daughters. She laughed when asked to quantify the difference, asking if she could provide a specific percentage to support the claim. Her book is currently sold on Amazon, and she offers additional insights through her Substack newsletter and Instagram account @ask.lesley.